The Return!

My birthday cake at work!




Ladies and gentlemen.

I just reread my last post and although every word of that was true...I agree. It was a bit much and maybe not the best place to vomit my anger and sadness. There is a lot of Anger and A lot of sadness in me but I'm making great strides towards being normal again.

It was my Birthday this weekend. YAY!

I turned 29 years old. Do some quick math and you will see that means I'm in my 30th year. WOW! I totally thought I would be someplace else in my life. I suppose this just gives me more time to practice my Oscar acceptance speech.

There are a bunch of things I should make more time for.

- Cooking a meal for myself.
- Saying hi to people on Facebook who I don't speak to.
- Deleting people on Facebook
- Running in the mornings
- Editing these Dawson Videos
- Pant shopping
- writing in this blog

Y'know it's interesting. New years eve was so shitty this year that I just dismissed it. But my birthday is like a new start. It's like a new year by the calendar de la Adam

I saw a rough cut of Dog Sitter a few weekends ago. Jim from Urban Handed Works (USWM Videos) cut the show together. He did it for fun without a script and without knowing anything about the picture. He was pretty close to getting it. I think that means 1) He is an awesome editor and B)I too am awesome. But lets get back to number 1) Jim's awesomeness.

I always imagined myself editing this movie. During the making of the film, I would take a break and walk around the block. During this time I would visualize the entire film from start to finish. This really helped on set because I think I was directing like an editor. I've always liked editing...no LOVED editing. I could sit in front of my computer until I have blisters popping out of my corneas for hours and then pass out from profound dehydration. I would wake up days later not knowing where I am but grateful that little imps have come to save my life.

Where am I going with this...Outline people! Outline!

Oh yeah. So anyways, giving up the power of edit was something that I wasn't prepared to do. Then I saw Jim's work. He was pulling things out of the footage that I didn't see. It was cool. So he is going to continue as editor. I also realized that I'm still a nervous filmmaker. I'm unsure of myself and I'm really hard on myself as a result. So allowing another person to edit actually makes me feel better. I can be creative and give direction and feedback with ease. It's nice to feel a tinge of excitement back again. I'm not out of the woods yet as far as my lack of motivation and depression are going but I do think that getting back to this film is not only important but also strangely therapeutic.

I'm getting the urge to start acknowledging the need for a new script....

Italy and me.

I'm writing this entry from a hotel room in Florence, Italy. I haven't written for such a long time and I don't know why I'm writing now. A lot has happened to me since the last entry.

I guess I was excited to be in Florence because I thought for some reason this trip would make me forget. I'm trying real hard but it is proving to be much more difficult then I expected. Recently, after almost 3 years, my girlfriend broke up with me in, what I feel, is one of the most vicious and coldest ways possible. This has had such a profound impact on me that at times I feel like I am in physical pain. Up until recently I have been defending her. I'm not sure why. She was somebody who I truly loved unconditionally and I guess I needed to find a way to justify her actions to myself. I defended her when others wouldn't but I've come see that I am not as good a judge of character as I wanted to believe. There are no words to fully explain the extent of which I am hurt. I feel like the person I knew and loved has been taken from me and replaced by somebody I don't recognize, somebody with a different moral code. I cant help but feel that somehow I deserved this but I know I'm a good person. What is completely baffling to me is that there is still a large part of me that wants to hold her and say let's put this behind us and move on but the cold reality is that there is no more us.

This is the stuff movies are made of and songs are written about. Maybe bad emo songs but songs nonetheless. This city is beautiful. The kind of place people imagine being with their loved ones. Maybe that's why I'm on the verge of unravel. Then again, I've been on the verge for sometime now. As my heart was broken, my father was told that he has cancer. As I worried for him I found out my apartment might be demolished. As I searched for a home I was pushed further by the pressure of film work being pushed aside and building. I had lost a huge contract and then I lost my iPod. I wanted to run and be with my girl. Alone, I reignited a few bad habits.

Since all of this, there are positive updates; most importantly being that my father has recovered from major surgery (at least he is in recovery and is home and well.) I found my iPod, a contract is being reinstated and my house is just headed for major renovation. But even though this does help, the pain of loosing the love of my life has been a steady near-unbearable source of agony.

Ok ok! quit your whining! What does this have to do with film? Amazingly, this art form that love the most is something I can't bring my self to partake in. The events of the last few months have left me so unmotivated to produce any film work at all. So that's where I am at. I'm in one of the most beautiful cities in the world and all I want is the one thing I can't have. Who says artists need pain to create? I need happiness to be inspired that's who I am. I wish I could finish Dog Sitter but I think I have a lot of healing to do first.

And that's where I'm at.